By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
