Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
