Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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