yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
