i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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