you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
