he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
