Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
