Will you blow on my dice?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
so much tequila, so little girl.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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