News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
