I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
