Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
no more duck duck goose at the bar
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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