I am puke
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
