what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
