so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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