Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize