Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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