did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
