we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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