I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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