i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
