im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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