There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
