Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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