I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
