if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
