I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
