Everything about him screamed your future.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
