I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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