Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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