I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
