I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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