he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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