I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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