Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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