Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize