when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
