My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
