FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
