I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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