I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
