I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
