Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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