Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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