So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Randomize
