I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
