Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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