Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
