I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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