I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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