My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
