I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
