um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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