I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
