Tell her she can't have a vagina
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
